The mess that is my brain.

So its been a while since i rolled my fingers over the keyboard of my laptop wondering where my thoughts were going to lead me for the next two hours, if you know what i mean. Well, life's been quite a stinker for as long as i can remember, and speaking in my true-blue pessimistic style, it isn't going to get any better.

Assignments, journal-work, presentations, projects. Four things, amongst many more which i'd rather not discuss, have been the "Destroyers in Chief" of my once calm and peaceful mind, for the past few months. Love them or hate them, you just cannot ignore them. Every semester, they appear out of nowhere and charge toward you with threatening ferocity, knocking you out cold. It is all so quick and sudden that you don't even realize what hit you until a little later on! You finish one assignment and you feel you've conquered the world. And before you can bask in the aftermath of your "world-conquering feat", another assignment pops out of the blue, and before you know it, you're like this person held at gunpoint by Mr.Assignment, who, with an evil smile, says,"Finish me, or i'll finish you!! Muuaaaahahaha!!". Sweet Jesus! As if i have a choice! Bah!!

If you think that assignments and journal-work were the only weapons in the armoury of the teachers, you're oh so wrong! If assignments and journals were equivalent to, say, Tomahawk Missiles, you'd have to consider "presentations" as Nuclear weapons for sure! We have this subject called Principles of Communication Techniques for which we're supposed to make presentations on a topic of our choice. Now while the topic, which by the way was "Conspiracy Theories", did appeal to me, it was the execution of the whole thing that really bothered me no end. Ten people in a group can be a good as well as a bad thing. Good because you can do more work in less time. Bad, because, lets face it, it is too difficult to co-ordinate everyone. Add to that the "lack of time", and you have yourselves quite a situation! All of us worked hard and got it done in time though, but it was quite a challenge!

The good part about all of this is that its OVER. Yes, its done. Done and dusted for another semester. Assignments, journals, presentations, projects: its all done! The amount of relief that i'm experiencing right now is too hard to describe. Too hard to put in a few paragraphs' worth of words even.

Now that i have one less thing to bother about makes me feel really light in the head. But this has, quite unfortunately, not been the only thing on my mind for the past few weeks. God has given us this amazing gift, the gift of thought. But where your thoughts lead you to is not in your hands. You have no control over them. You ponder over things that occur around you, the behavior of people around you, the way they talk to you, the way you are treated, good or bad. You think about all this all the time. Morning, in college lectures. Afternoon, the same. Evening, in the library. Night, on the bed staring at the ceiling above you. You don't want to think about all of it, but you are forced to. Your thoughts lead you to a forbidden destination, a destination that you never want to visit in your wildest of dreams or imaginations. You start to doubt stuff. Things that happen to you. Things that you never thought would. You have misconceptions about people. But your mind immediately disagrees, laughing at your ability to think in such a naïve and juvenile manner. You have those misconceptions again. Then your mind says, "Okay, there you go then!". But you wish your mind banished them like the previous time. It doesn't happen like that though. You have weird, complex thoughts. Thoughts that create a mess inside your brain. Thoughts that put you in a delirium. The consequences are abysmal. Almost unfathomable come to think of it for the first time. You suddenly feel less cared for. The pathetic feeling of loneliness creeps inside you. You look around and find no one who really bothers, no one who could give a shit about what you do or where you go. There's no one who wants to be with you all the time, make you their best buddy, make you feel good about yourself. There's no one who thinks that way about you. Conversations last inside college, but surprisingly don't outside of it. Funnily, people around you don't seem to be experiencing the same, and it seems pretty evident. When you look around, there's a lot of "best-friend" behavior that you wish you had in your life. You try your best, but its as if you're the only one who cares. The only one who actually wants to be "best buddies" with someone. Your efforts are lost even before you know it. You're a person who has great friends. But no one close enough to call "best". No offense, but that seems to be the truth.

This is my daily life, by the way.

Sounds pretty darned weird eh? This is my thought process every single day. Freaks me out everytime i think about it. I don't know if what i think is right or wrong. I don't know what i should make of it. I don't even know why my mind drifts to such thoughts every single time. The more you try and ignore them, the more they bother you. Some of these thoughts seem pretty valid. Some, maybe not. But they coalesce into one single mega-thought which eventually burns your brain and creates a painful, unrelenting inferno inside of it. You are forced into submission by these pathetic little fragments of imagination. I simply can't concentrate, which is why my almost-daily sojourns to the fourth floor balcony, where there is absolute peace, helps me calm down and re-think. Pondering over all this, i recently thought to myself: you must not care too much about those around you, simply because of the fact that they might not deserve it. Its not worth it in the end, you feel, because there's only one-way traffic, if you know what i mean. But then i contradict myself and think otherwise. Another part of my thought process tells me that i've got it all wrong. As you can see, its all a bloody mess. Its literally a warzone inside of me which seems never-ending.

I am one confused soul. Terribly confused.